Entertainment

And with that, Griffin and I begin our live blog. Hello everyone, it’s Justin McElroy, and for the next two hours my brother and I will be your guides for “Samuel L. Jackson No-So-Subtly Judges Everyone in the Room,” or, as it’s being advertised, “The Spike 2007 Video Game Awards.”

The live blog begins after the break. Come, join us.[20:59] griffinjoystiq: That woman is naked.
[20:59] griffinjoystiq: She’s on the TV and she’s naked.
[21:04] JustinAtTheVGAs: They really are just naked girls
[21:04] JustinAtTheVGAs: Right?
[21:04] griffinjoystiq: Yes? I think?
[21:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: The not-so-subtle parade of insults begins.
[21:05] griffinjoystiq: I’m glad my girlfriend isn’t here.
[21:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: Would she totally see your rod?
[21:05] griffinjoystiq: Indubidably.
[21:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: Dear Sam: Mario has been weird for two decades.

Kristen Bell wins something for being in Assassin’s Creed
[21:06] griffinjoystiq: OMG HEIDI AND SPENCER
[21:06] griffinjoystiq: I thought they broke up.
[21:06] griffinjoystiq: I’m pretty sure they broke up.
[21:07] JustinAtTheVGAs: You’re ruining the liveblog.
[21:07] griffinjoystiq: Look at how pissed off Heidi looks at Spencer.

Rainbow 6 Vegas 2 Premiere
[21:08] griffinjoystiq: Not to sound like a feminist, but have they done anything but objectify half of the people on the planet so far?
[21:08] JustinAtTheVGAs: I’m going to set Criss Angel on fire with my heart.
[21:09] griffinjoystiq: It looks like he stole those clothes from a hobo, who stole those clothes from a poorer hobo.
[21:09] griffinjoystiq: There’s a rainbow six vegas two coming out?
[21:09] JustinAtTheVGAs: It’s ubisoft.
[21:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: That was really informative.
[21:10] griffinjoystiq: Wow, I learned something I actually didn’t know about on this thing. I’m pleasantly surprised.
[21:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: Just a bunch of people having fun and some limited fighting.
[21:11] griffinjoystiq: Secret gamestop ad attack!
[21:11] JustinAtTheVGAs: But hey, I like that tagline. If you’re betting, (something something) stand on six. OK, commercial (beer) break. BRB.

Best game based on a movie or TV show
[21:16] JustinAtTheVGAs: Dave Navarro has never played a movie based game.
[21:17] griffinjoystiq: Video games and movies make a good match? Go straight to hell, Navarro.
[21:17] JustinAtTheVGAs: Straight. To. Hell.
[21:17] JustinAtTheVGAs: And the winner is …
[21:17] griffinjoystiq: N/A
[21:18] JustinAtTheVGAs: I’d give it to stranglehold.
[21:18] JustinAtTheVGAs: But it goes to the Simpson’s Game. C’est la vie.
[21:18] griffinjoystiq: Picking the best movie based game is like picking the least retarded show pony.

Foo Fighters
[21:21] griffinjoystiq: Are the guys in Foo Fighters having a beard-growing competition? Even that stand up bass player has a bit of scruff, and she’s a petite lady.
[21:23] JustinAtTheVGAs: Every guy in the audience looks like he just wants one special glance from Dave Grohl. Or maybe they just don’t want him to beat them up.

Commercials Pt. 1
[21:24] JustinAtTheVGAs: Hey, in the interim, I’d like to point out that the stage (sort of an arcade cabinet homage) is really, really cool.
[21:26] griffinjoystiq: Seriously, they just showed an ad for one of their shows to everyone in the audience? Can you imagine if CBS interrupted the Oscars to advertise Two and a Half Men?
[21:26] griffinjoystiq: Yes, the stage is pretty cool.
[21:27] JustinAtTheVGAs: Can I admit that I think the GameStop ad with the sensitive convo between player and monster is actually pretty funny?

Afro Samurai trailer
[21:31] JustinAtTheVGAs: Samuel L. Jackson presents the trailer for HIS video game. Yeah, he’s making it. In the same sense that George Foreman invents grills.
[21:31] JustinAtTheVGAs: Side note. We’re 31 minutes in and we’re getting our first appearance of a Mad TV cast member.
[21:32] griffinjoystiq: And, funnily enough, Afro Samurai airs on, you guessed it, Spike TV.

Best team sports game
[21:32] griffinjoystiq: I must say that, so far, the Spike TV VGA’s are the most meta of all the awards shows.
[21:32] JustinAtTheVGAs: Look, the screen looks like a YouTube video! Like on the internet.
[21:33] JustinAtTheVGAs: I think the winner in this category HAS to be the Blitz game from two years ago.
[21:33] griffinjoystiq: Ugh, Madden.
[21:33] griffinjoystiq: Where was The Bigs?
[21:34] JustinAtTheVGAs: And where were that girl’s nipples? Pastie’d.
[21:34] griffinjoystiq: The 2007 Griffin McElroy Sports Game of the Year award goes to The Bigs, for what it’s worth, 2K.

Chingy presents: A History of Gran Turismo (and a new GT5 trailer)
[21:35] griffinjoystiq: NERRBODY INN THEEE ROOM GETTIN’ VIDEO GAME AWARDS
[21:35] griffinjoystiq: Oh, this GT5 trailer was pretty hyped up.
[21:36] JustinAtTheVGAs: It looked good, but strangely unrealistic. Does that make sense?
[21:36] JustinAtTheVGAs: Kind of plasticky?
[21:36] griffinjoystiq: Yeah man. Apparently, cars are capable of driving into the uncanny valley.

Commercials Pt. 2
[21:37] griffinjoystiq: Is there not enough product placement in the content of the show that they actually have to add segments like that verizon wireless gaming sales pitch?
[21:38] JustinAtTheVGAs: Do you think girls take their clothes of, put pasties on their nipples and paint themselves for free?
[21:39] JustinAtTheVGAs: (If they’re not on Flavor of Love, natch.)
[21:39] griffinjoystiq: Do you understand what I’m saying? This show is about the best things on a market, it’s basically telling you what is worth buying. It’s a huge commercial. Why do they need to keep dropping obvious advertisements between awards?
[21:40] griffinjoystiq: I feel like I’ve been watching commercials for 41 minutes. Is the show about to start?
[21:40] JustinAtTheVGAs: Do you feel like Samuel L. Jackson is judging you?
[21:41] griffinjoystiq: I feel like every time he puts his hand in his pocket, he gives sensual rubdowns to the huge check Spike TV wrote him. I think it’s the only way he’s getting through the show.

Stan Lee presents an Iron Man trailer
[21:42] griffinjoystiq: I don’t think the presenters know that people who play video games don’t spontaneously yell “DAMN I LOVE VIDEO GAMES”.
[21:42] JustinAtTheVGAs: I do.
[21:42] JustinAtTheVGAs: Ooooh, first gen Iron Man costume.
[21:43] JustinAtTheVGAs: Actual Robert Downey Jr. voice too.
[21:43] griffinjoystiq: I eat Arby’s all the time, but I don’t walk around screaming “MMMM DAMN ARBYS IS GOOD”
[21:43] griffinjoystiq: Iron Man looked amazing, against all odds.
[21:43] JustinAtTheVGAs: “Tony, you’re not a soldier.”
[21:44] JustinAtTheVGAs: “You’re right, I’m an army.” Nice.

Ralphie May and Best Individual Sports game
[21:44] griffinjoystiq: He’s a “really big” game fan? Do I even touch that one?
[21:45] JustinAtTheVGAs: Ralphie May’s so fat that I want to slit his wrist and drink the herb-butter that gushes from his veins.
[21:45] griffinjoystiq: When he cries, rolls from Outback Steakhouse fall out.
[21:46] griffinjoystiq: Predictions for best individual sports game?
[21:46] JustinAtTheVGAs: The last individual sport Ralphie May played was “try not to have a heart attack while walking up stairs.”
[21:46] JustinAtTheVGAs: Skate seems to have fared well in reviews.
[21:46] JustinAtTheVGAs: And I win.
[21:46] griffinjoystiq: I give this one to The Bigs as well.

TNA Impact trailer
[21:48] griffinjoystiq: Is that Lex Luthor?
[21:49] JustinAtTheVGAs: I’m afraid that the WWE has used up all my not caring about wrestling.
[21:49] JustinAtTheVGAs: Side note: This looks like utter trash.
[21:49] griffinjoystiq: Can a professional wrestling game really be heralded as “the most realistic fighting game ever?”

Tila Tequila is on TV
[21:50] JustinAtTheVGAs: Oh, and now Tila Tequila is on TV.
[21:50] griffinjoystiq: Side note: If Tila doesn’t pick Dani, she’s an idiot.
[21:51] JustinAtTheVGAs: This is a nightmare.
[21:51] JustinAtTheVGAs: Oh, and she’s presenting the the awards that were too umimportant to be shown on the VGAs. HOW INCREDIBLY APPROPRIATE.
[21:52] griffinjoystiq: Wow, a rapid fire segment about most of the awards. I thought awards were usually the most important part of awards shows.
[21:52] griffinjoystiq: I don’t know, I’m not some kind of awards scientist.

Commercials Pt. 3
[21:53] griffinjoystiq: How excited are you for I Am Legend?
[21:53] griffinjoystiq: I’m about as excited as one person can be for a movie.
[21:53] JustinAtTheVGAs: Have you read the book yet? You really should.
[21:53] griffinjoystiq: I’m completely illiterate. You know that.
[21:54] griffinjoystiq: Thanks for bringing that out for our readers.
[21:54] griffinjoystiq: Ass hat.
[21:54] JustinAtTheVGAs: Spoiler alert: At the end, he raps and boogies with monsters.
[21:54] griffinjoystiq: Double Spoiler Alert: He’s not alone. DJ Jazzy Jeff shows up!

Brian Posehn makes his obligatory appearance/Studio of the Year
[21:56] griffinjoystiq: Did they not pay Samuel L. enough to stand up?
[21:56] griffinjoystiq: Thank God, Posehn is actually pretty funny.
[21:57] JustinAtTheVGAs: And this is a nerd related event, so the Constitution says he has to be there.
[21:58] griffinjoystiq: Has there ever been an event where him and Patton Oswalt didn’t appear together?
[21:58] JustinAtTheVGAs: Studio of the Year!
[21:59] griffinjoystiq: 2K Boston/Australia, please.
[21:59] griffinjoystiq: Oooh, Valve is good too.
[21:59] JustinAtTheVGAs: Wait, if all of these studios have made one game this year, isn’t this just the same as game of the year?
[21:59] griffinjoystiq: Touche.
[21:59] JustinAtTheVGAs: What other criteria is there? Haircuts?
[22:00] JustinAtTheVGAs: I guess the guys from Harmonix are nice enough. Good for them.
[22:00] griffinjoystiq: Courtney Love is designing games now?
[22:01] JustinAtTheVGAs: All the Harmonix people are playing a monster drum fill! I’m SO ROCKED.

Kid Rock is there
[22:01] griffinjoystiq: God, how awesome would it have been if Tia Carrera busted out Rock Band and did Ballroom Blitz?
[22:01] griffinjoystiq: That would have been worth the price of admission, broseph.
[22:02] JustinAtTheVGAs: So, apparently Kid Rock is there.
[22:03] JustinAtTheVGAs: My wife just said that she bets he doesn’t know where he is. Truer words have never been spoken.
[22:03] griffinjoystiq: Am I the only one who thinks his mic stand it up too high? He looks like a little kid singing his solo during the Christmas Pageant.
[22:04] JustinAtTheVGAs: If you’re not good with subtext, let me explain this song to you: Kid Rock has a wiener and he knows how to use it.
[22:04] griffinjoystiq: SLOW RIDE ALERT
[22:04] griffinjoystiq: SLOW RIDE ALERT
[22:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: He just made the unprecedented misogyny into Fog Hat leap.
[22:05] JustinAtTheVGAs: Did Kid Rock misjudge his audience with that one or what?
[22:06] griffinjoystiq: It’s not that big a leap. You know what they’re slow riding on? The Oppressing Women Wagon.

Commercials Pt. 4
[22:06] griffinjoystiq: At least it’s halfway over.
[22:07] JustinAtTheVGAs: So, how are you feeling so far?
[22:08] griffinjoystiq: Despondent.
[22:08] JustinAtTheVGAs: I feel like they’re getting closer to getting the proper tone, like I’m not cringing as much. But it’s also not about video games at all.
[22:08] griffinjoystiq: Despondent/Horny.
[22:08] griffinjoystiq: Okay, just horny.
[22:09] griffinjoystiq: Yeah, I agree. Last year, it was all hip-hop artists and supermodels.
[22:09] griffinjoystiq: This year, it’s Kid Rock, and girls who look like they rolled out of some sort of primordial skank ooze.
[22:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: I could solve this problem for them.
[22:10] JustinAtTheVGAs: You know what I like, Spike? VIDEO GAMES.
[22:11] griffinjoystiq: I love how there’s an above the influence ad when there’s been at least two references to smoking pot during the show.
[22:11] griffinjoystiq: I love this, because I am very high right now.